The Failed Mission
by silvertonguedsnap
Summary: This crackfic just may melt your brain. You have been warned. Rated M for language...not for anything else...SasuxSaku, ShikaxTem
1. The Arrival

Well, I finally decided to write a crackfic with chapters. Why? Because one-shots are hard. And because I have no inspiration whatsoever. Anyways, I love almost all of Masashi Kishimoto's characters…so don't take any of the idiocy seriously.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto…Shikamaru would have jumped Temari during the Rescue Sasuke Arc.

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**Chapter One-The Arrival**

Eleven Konoha genin and one chuunin were gathered in the Godaime Hokage's office.

"Will one of you idiots tell me what the fuck happened?" Tsunade growled, "I refuse to believe that TWELVE Konoha shinobi couldn't catch one sand ninja."

"But Hokage-Sama…" Sakura began, "It wasn't our fault…"

"Fine. You can all start by telling me your version of what happened. Let's start with your squad leader."

"How troublesome…" Shikamaru groaned, "Well, it started when I went to buy that miniskirt because it was on sale but then I found that cross-dressing wasn't one of my strong points."

"Well, DUH. It's not like you ever shave your legs!" Tsunade snapped.

"Oh, sorry, that's a different story." Shikamaru said with a grin, "Anyways, we were all gathered at the main gate like you ordered. Then Gai-Sensei streaked by and was followed by Hayate's squirrels. He probably tried to lecture them about youthfulness again."

"Eh, everyone was there like they were supposed to be, but Neji's panties were bothering him and Kiba couldn't find Akamaru. That set us back about an hour…so I ordered everyone to move faster. We got to Sunagakure in about a day and a half, but our target was nowhere to be found. And then-"

"Okay, Chouji is up next." Tsunade cut in, not taking notice of the catfight between Sasuke and Neji in the back of the room.

"Hmmm…what I remember about the mission, right? Well, we were like, in Sunagakure but I ran out of snacks so I was like, going to buy some when Hinata smacked me for like, not focusing on the mission. I was out cold for like, an hour because she hit me so hard!" Chouji wailed.

"Hinata? Is it true that you knocked Chouji out?" the Hokage growled, "Who remembers the first rule of dealing with Chouji's incompetence?"

"Oh, me, ME! I remember!" Tenten shrieked, waving her hand in the air, "When Chouji says or does something stupid, stab him in the forehead with a metal spork!"

"But Hokage-Sama…I couldn't stab Chouji. I'm still on probation for molesting Neji…" Hinata mumbled, "And I can't afford to be arrested again…"

"HELLO? I'm telling my story here! Does everybody have to like, interrupt me all the time? It's like, so rude!" Chouji whined.

"Shut the fuck up, you fat loser. It should be my turn. None of you know what happened because you're all dumb fucks. Believe it!" someone said.

"Naruto? Was that you?" Tsunade asked, impressed by the person's use of profanity.

"Was what me? Naruto asked, falling off of the Hokage's ceiling, "I'd never say 'Believe it'! What kind of lame-assed phrase is that anyways?"

Everyone was very afraid and Lee was going to wet himself.

"Believe it! Believe it!" someone said again. Shino clapped his hand over his mouth. The person who said that was--. Unfortunately, Shino was murdered before he could complete his thought. Suddenly, the lights went out and Ino let out a high-pitched scream. When Sakura found the light switch and turned the lights back on the only person still screaming was Sasuke.

"What? I had a traumatic childhood." he grumbled as nine other shinobi (A/N: Yes, nine…Tsunade, Sakura, Kiba, Tenten, Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Neji, and Ino. Shino is dead and Lee and Chouji have been written off because they annoy me personally.) stared at him. Tsunade surveyed the group and shook her head. Two of the genin had gone missing…but those idiots probably just got lost again.

"Oh. My. God!" Hinata cried, clinging to Akamaru as if her life depended upon it.

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So…how was it? Just so everyone knows…I have no freaking clue where this story is going. I've only written the first three chapters, so I'm open to suggestions as long as they are insane and make absolutely no sense at all. I also need some ideas for a Fullmetal Alchemist crackfic because an OOC Riza would be hilarious.

Regardless of whether or not anybody reviews this, I'll post the next chapter within a week. But please review anyways…X3


	2. It Came From the Closet

I've decided to post the next chapter…and yes, I know I'm late by like two months…but that's because I had to read Kamikaze Kaito Jeanne…so blame it on Arina Tanemura!

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Naruto…then Sasuke would come back to Konoha and kill Lee!

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**Chapter Two- It Came From the Closet**

"What? What!" Ino wailed, shaking Hinata, "Don't tell me that Tamahome is secretly in love with Hotohori too!"

"Er, no. I think she means 'Oh. My. God!' as in 'Oh. My. God! Lee and Chouji are missing!'" someone said, "And it's obviously Mitsukake that's gay."

Everyone spun around in circles trying to find the source of the scathing commentary. Finding that he was prone to motion sickness, Shikamaru stopped spinning and fell out of the window.

"Shika-Chan!" Kiba howled, sobbing into Tsunade's extremely large chest, "I never told him how I felt about him. It wasn't really one-sided love…because I loved him too!"

The genin stood still and waited for the sickening crack of the chuunin hitting the ground, but there was only silence.

"Ah, we must have missed it. Who wants to fall out next?" a voice said.

"Nooooooooooo! It's coming for us! We're going to die!" Shikamaru yelled. (A/N: Yes, Shikamaru.)

"I thought Shikamaru fell out the window." Sakura whispered to Sasuke.

"Hn. So did I." the Uchiha replied uncertainly, "It must have been a mashed potato clone." He didn't quite know exactly what a mashed potato clone was, but he wanted to look cool in front of Sakura.

"Orange juice, actually," the chuunin said, "But wasn't that cool?"

"Of course it was, my darling Shika-Kun!" shrieked Temari, popping out of nowhere to maul him.

"I'm bored." Tenten groaned, chomping on Neji's arm.

"Let's do something our senseis told us never to do." Neji cackled. He loved being bad…it was almost as fun as being a closet pervert.

"You don't mean…_that_…do you?" Kiba gasped, apparently over the supposed death of Shikamaru.

"Of course he does, dobe." Sasuke muttered. He was secretly excited. He had never done _it_ before. It would be nice to try it with Naruto before he did it with Sakura, though. The Uchiha wanted it to be perfect for Sakura's first time.

"Okay, who wants to go first?" Ino asked, suddenly eager to do something forbidden.

"We will!" Naruto shouted, dragging a furiously blushing Hinata with him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" the voice warned. Gaara shrieked and covered himself in sand.

"It came from the closet!" he whispered to a lamppost.

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So yeah…that was chapter two. Is anybody lost yet? I know I am…Next chapter should be up...eventually.

Oh…the forbidden thing that everyone is talking about is reading fluffy RoyxEd fics out loud…X3 Not that I have anything against them…they're…nice…in their own special way…


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